faking it

Just so you know...I faked it. The. whole. time. Your're not that big and I've had better.

Look, we're the perfect pair--You're a LIAR and I'm a FAKER.

courtesy text

screw and run, one-night stand, we've all been there. You're hot and heavy in the wee hours of the night and feel on top (no pun intended) of the world. It's just you and him---kissing, laughing, cuddling, thinking about all the great places this hookup is going. The kicker is the next day when you're babysitting your phone waiting for him to text (and dare i say call)..patiently waiting and digging deep into your creative jusices for excuses as to why "he just couldn't call". Today I spent the whole day attatched to my phone hoping he would call me. When he failed to, I told myself his phone was out of charge, out of range, everything uder the sun. In fact, I made up more excuses for him than he could have ever thought up himself. Instead of facingthe reality: if he really wanted to talk to me, he'd find a way-- I found solace in my vivid musuem of excuses.


Perhaps the need to make excuses for why he didn't call or text is because in my mind i feel like i am owed some sort of post-coital communication. Its as if sex creates some sort of social debt, whereby the sexual initiator subliminally agrees to not be an asshole the next day, if they get the lay they want. As-freakin-if. The lack of post-coital communication leaves me wondering, "was he full of shit when he said all those nice things?" YES. "did he act like we really had a connection, when all the while he knew it was going nowhere but wanted the rush of the moment?" YES. YES.YES.YES. The truth is, sex (whether we like it or not) is never a contract that mandates a call the next day. Call me old-fashioned, but even thought i feel post-coital communication is gentlemanly and straight up good sexual decorum, the reality is--chivarly is dead and one-night stands have killed it. Don't get me wrong, I think there should always be come sort of "I didn't just use you" phone call or text. Its just common decency. Just to rant a little, post-coital communication is like sending a thank-you note. It can be short, simple, whatever--the point is, its an acknowledgement. Even the wham-bam-thank-you-mam's deserve a the courtesy text. "But I just don't know what to say" is a commonly used excuse. #1) if you don't know what to say, thats crap, you do know--but you're to much of a pussy to say it. #2) something, anything is better than nothing.

A couple of things....

Well, as I sat down at the beach today to reflect--the PERFECT title of what i should call todays blog came to me. I was going to title it "What do you do when the person you normally cry to, is the one who making you cry?" I think you could guess that it's been a long day. But then, after the initial pain this thought and day caused me wore off, I felt relieved. The day had a wonderful ending. I had a fantastic workout, the most relaxing shower (stop thinking dirty!) and trip to yogurt world (with an incredible friend). All-in-all, the day had bleak beginnings, but turned out to be fabulous. So maybe the moral (and title) of the blog should be "When things are in a seeminly ultimate shithole, we MUST remember they REALLY aren't, the feeling is only temporary--and WE have the power to banish it!" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is great news!

Alright, I can tell im losing you with all the transcendtal la la la, but really though. So, Back to the original question, what do you do when the one you usually cry to, is suddenly the one who makes you to cry? I mean, when the person who you spill your fears and tears to, is now CAUSING them--where do you turn? I think the answer to that is to always remember to have PERSONAL outlets. Things you do just for you, with no one BUT you. These are the things that we feel natural at, happy with, and entertained by. When you are betrade by this trustee, it's as if you are the captain of a ship, and your 1st mate has just abandoned you. You feel lost--completely lost and alone at sea. So you need a compas. The compas is your PERSONAL outlet. It is that which you can turn to, cry to, and find relief. It doesnt offer it to you without any effort on your part (so Ben & Jerrys as a "personal outlet" = A LOAD OF SHIT, nice try). I digress. Okay, your persoanl outlet is something like running (it toughens you up and is no easy feat), or writing (you're freely allowing thoughts to flow and help you heal), listening, looking, whatever is constructive for you. It's YOUR personal outlet. Alright. I think the moral of the blog is don't lose your compass, it's impossible to get there when you start out in the wrong direction.

breaking in

Hopes, wishes, what if's, one day's, somedays, and eventully's are all thoughts that pass through any ambitious person's head. One Day I'll be the CEO of __________, Someday I'll have the perfect_____________, Eventually I'll meet the right __________, Hopefully I'll get promoted to _________. Having ambition means recognizing your desires now and channeling your energy to produce those results in the future. These goals and aspirations are, though, come with price tags. We are forced to make decisions, often difficult--or to face tough situations which challenge us to rise to the occasion. Nothing worthwhile comes without work. Our dreams aren't free. They're hard EARNED man-hours. But what happens when the challenge of "hard EARNED man-hours" is too difficult? How do I know to press onward, when there is seemingly every obstacle in my way? How do learn to see myself as capable of taking the necessary steps in order to achieve my dreams?

I'm not sure. I don't know how to make myself buck-up when I'm intimidated. I sure as hell can play the part well though. The truth is, I'm just not fooling myself. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it's extremely easy for me to rise to the occasion on certain things. But when it comes to adult-life-realtime decisions, am I scared to try for something tht I wouldn';t get right away, or maybe not at all? Why does my courage shoot through the roof in some situtions but dive deep into the earth's inner core for others?

I'm going to find out.

anti-drug campaigns

When you're in grade school you're bombarded with all sorts of "DARE" parephenalia: pins, pencils, bracelets, ribbons--you name it, they got it. All of this telling you that drugs will make you make bad choices, slow your central nervous system, deteriorate your brain cells, contain the potential for long term negative effects ect. But does this really deter the same beer-bonging, cig smoking, curious minds that it attracts. FUCK NO! of course not! if these anti-drug campaigns want to disenchant these young minds, it must speak their language. Tell them smoking weed causes immense wieght gain--LIE! Tell them ecstacy will leave you with the worst emotional-attatchement issues ever (Not a lie, but still a worthwhile scare tactic), tell them coke gives you herpes for goodness sake! but whatever they do--stop pushing that horse shit about my brain cells. Really though, most people my age don't buy into anything they cant tangibly see or experience........and brain cells--don't fit in that category. I don't mean to sound like a complete shallow and uneducated bitch, but let's be real--scientific terms scare no one. If you really want bang for your buck then flashy is the only way to go. Flashy--big, bright, neon (oooooohhhh la la) blinking, eye-popping falacies! feed them to these grammer school tadpoles in order to prepare them for their future in temptation pond. So maybe my idea isn't PC or "appropriate" for elementary schools--but that didn't stop Jaime Lynn Spears (a nationally syndicated Nickelodian network Televsions star) from getting knocked up, so it isn't going to stop me from using phony scare tactic lies to deter kids from drug use.

what the funk?

It seems like whenever we start worrying about something-- the kind of worry that is seeminly everywhere we turn, just when we're getting used to thinking bout it--the need to worry suddenly disappears. how. freakin. convenient. In any case, just when I had begun to think I was a perma-third wheel, I learned that maybe, I wasn't. Maybe others felt like THEY were joining ME. Well, whatever, as long as I'm not stuck on the outside looking in--I'd survive.
Today I got just the reality check I needed when I spent the night being silly and carefree with my best friend. From a crazy adventure to a little dirty talk, I felt liberated and free--The way we all should feel. Its an indescribable feeling when you just let go. I had to make a promise to myself: For the next two hours, I will let not a single judgement affect me. It ws hard, I made it all of about 20 minutes. So then I tried again. And again. Anda again. Finally I began to dance (literally danced, and not gave a shitless if the socially-whipped public laughed) and it felt natural and effortless. I worried about NOTHING. "wait, wait, wait...worrying about nothing? That is just irrespeonsible. You can't gain a single thing when you care about nothing!"--WRONG WRONG WRONG. You gain EVERYTHING when you worry about nothing. don't believe me? try it, you'll see. :)

side of single please!

Being single is possibly one of the most misunderstood states of a woman’s status. When all you have to do is go to the local bookstore to find shelves of books proclaiming the glory of single women, it makes you wonder—why all the need for pro-single propaganda? I mean there are no books saying “high-five, ya found him!” so why the need for the “don’t worry, you WILL find him” books? Is it because there is some deep rooted concern within our consciousness that fears we’ll never get what our coupled-friends have, and single peers want? I think that having someone offers a certain sense of security and closeness. It makes it easier to enjoy the ride—after all, joy shared is joy doubled. What I mean is, when all the people around you seem to be in a “couple” relationship, and you don’t want to date someone-- you just want your friend back, you start to misplace your need for your friend and channel it into a need for someone romantic. Secretly, your body is trying to stay in alignment with your friend, and makes you think that if you, too, can get a boyfriend, then you and her will be able to relate again and be in the same “level”. But is this REALLY what YOU want?
Anyone who’s been in a long-term relationship knows that its not always easy. Knows the sacrifices and consideration it takes, when you’re dependent upon by someone else. These feelings are easy to recognize, and are usually sensed after the infatuation wears off. What’s NOT easy to recognize is your need to need yourself, to be dependent upon no one but yourself, and feel okay with it. Being needed by no one...but your self. So although there may be times when it seems as thought having someone else to pair off with is the only way, maybe it is a more subtle call for you to be able to find completion within you. Cliché, maybe…but true? Certainly. Take care of yourself, love you. The more love you pour into your own cup, the easier it will be for others to follow.