Keepin it Classy

Today we ventured out to my grandmother’s favorite discount warehouse: walmart. Quickly, I realized that this superstore is merely a front for a “social slaughterhouse”. Where else can you find children over the age of 10, still sucking their thumbs, or ladies named “ L’Shawn” sporting 3 inch acrylic nails, each nail containing a letter of everyone’s favorite explitive that rhymes with “Luck”, Oh L’Shawn, I would hug you, except the pistol tat on your neck…it kinda scares me. Walmart is prime real estate for wedgie watching. If you’ve never seen grown adults shamelessly pick their asses, this is the spot. Its like some sort of white-trash rite of passage. Not to be all hoity toighty, but where I’m from, we pick our asses in private. We keep that shit on the DOWN LOW. Oh, no, not at walmart. That sort of display is commonplace! You know what else is commonplace? Um, eating while shopping. I’m not talking about munching food court-purchased popcorn and Icees. I’m talking like full on opening bags of chips AND SALSA!!! While in the store! I wish I was kidding here. I actually saw a family eating a bag of chips and dipping them into a jar of salsa in their cart...And in case you’re wondering where the drinks were to wash it down? They had several beverages in tow. I’m just surprised little Tommy wasn’t doing kegstands from the mini Heiniken. No this family must have been confused. See the way it works is: First PAY for the food, then bag it, bring it HOME, and THEN consume. I’m not even going to imagine the double-dipping that must have been going on. But really, I could probably have looked the other way if they had been discreetly snacking on their fritos, instead of heaving their hands into the chip bag and dunking the innocent corn chips into a sea of salsa, before sloshing it down their throats. Oh Walmart, you classy joint you! All hope was officially lost when we hit the bike aisle. I narrowly missed getting into a head-on collision with an unaccompanied minor who was free-wheelin, needless to say without a helmet, on an unpaid bicycle. This adorable little convict-in-training, was lucky enough to veer left as I swerved my grandmother’s wheelchair to the right., narrowly avoiding an ambulance ride to the hospital Close call. Not to worry though, this small episode of road rage certainly wouldn’t have been complete had I not heard him call me a bitch under his breath before he pedaled the 10-speed down the next aisle. I can die happy. Wedgie picking, snacking, and biking aside, Walmart is a great place to spend the afternoon…if you’re HIGH! Otherwise, avoid the social-abyss, and head to somewhere a little more worthwhile. A pawn shop for example. Odds are you’ll be a lot safer.