Orange “My-Shit-Doesn’t-Stink” County

You, with Louis Vuitton carryon luggage, wearing an obnoxiously bright velour jumpsuit with “Juicy” sprawled across your lipo’d ass…Drop the act. Yea, this whole “I’m too rich/hot/important…whatever” business isn’t cute. It certainly doesn’t make me look at you and think, “wow, I want to be her.” No, it makes me think, “That lady watches to much Bravo TV and I hope to God, I NEVER end up a minion serving in her poser hell.” Even worse? When these botox’d sacks of skin wear sunglasses…in an AIRPORT. What are you? The fucking unibomber? A celebrity? Neither? Well then take of the oversized Channels, honey. You don’t need them. I’m pretty sure you can remove the shades while inside the baggage terminal, the paparrazi have bigger fish to fry. Oh, and “adding-bling” to your cell phone was cool like 5 years ago. Take off the rhinestones. If you’re using a phone capable of wi-fi and high-tech digital imaging, then you’re phone doesn’t need sparkly decorations in the form of crystal rhinestones. Grow up. And what’s with the fake tan smell? Don’t get me wrong here, it’s California, sunshine and tanning go together like Lindsey Lohan and a bag of blow. But the smell? Really? I thought Lorea’l solved that problem like two summers ago! Nobody even makes the stinky stuff anymore!! Which begs the question of exactly how much self-tanner must be applied in order to generate such a stench? Lay off the faux glow. Another thing? What the hell do you keep in your big-ass purse? Or is the whole “purse” thing just a ruse, because you think carrying a PARACHUTE is “tres” chic? I got news for you: #1) Your not that important, we know that your bag is empty save for a phone, lipstick, and a wallet of maxed out credit cards. #2) If you’re not a mom, downsize your bag. You don’t need a minivan of surface area stowed beneath your arm, to display designer logos. Cheap, not chic. It’s an accessory, not an appliance. Lastly, Orange-County clowns, lose the phony zen books, which describe philosophy you either #1) don’t understand or #2) blatently ignore. Yes, yes, it is so cool to be all Buddhist spiritual and vegan. But really, when you’re a walking hypocrisy to everything discussed in that “trippy” little book, it kinda makes me want to call Paris Hilton and send her you’re your audition tape for an untapped MTV reality series. So let’s drop the act Orange County. Yes, Fox may have made a television show and dubbed it after your namesake, but if that’s the going rate for “cool” I’m moving to the valley. See ya in Lancaster bitches.