Field Trips....and other fun things that make my want to poke needles through my eyelids.

As children, we saw field trips as fun days to get out of class. It was a day that meant no desks, no assignments, and freedom to be loud with our friends. Ah, yes, how it changes when your on the chaperoning end of the deal. Ok, So today I went on a field trip as a chaperone for the third grade. What was I thinking? All of a sudden I switched teams. And let me tell you..TEAM STUDENT, is TOTALLY better. Having to be responsible for holding lunches, buddy-system bathroom trips, and keeping everyone in eyesight. Totally sucks. Especially when your group, is, say, composed of pre-pubescent boys who think its cool to make fart noises and ask elderly aquarium volunteers about the mating habits of sea slugs (They lay eggs, in case you're wondering). Yea, super cool. After arriving at the school-infested site of said field trip, I was curtly informed that I would have to lug around these kids lunches. Coincidently, they all opted to bring 32 oz gatorades along with a sack lunch that could easily be mistaken for a full-fledged buffet. Lucky me. So, after we meandered around all the fish tanks and I corralled them to the picnic tables I was forced to "enjoy" lunch alongside them. Somewhere after I choked down my skimpy lunch, I was called to the attention of a crinkling red bag that's eminnated a scent that could unmistakenly be identified as Nacho Cheese Dorritos. It is precisely at this moment when I self-diagnosed my condition: Accute Dorritos Deprivation. Yup, I had it. I had it baaaaaaaaaad. Only upon catching myself mid-reverie, squashing little Jacob like a pancake and snatching his Dorritos to the point of licking the "cheese" off my fingers did I realize, I indeed had a problem. Maybe it was the smell that did it? Or maybe it is the fact that I haven't had Dorritos in YEARS that did it? Whatever it was, the outcome wasnt pretty. In my Dorrito fantasy, I pictured myself like the kids in "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory"--carby goodness abounded. I danced on corn chip hills, crunched on processed gluten, and swan in synthesized Dorrito cheese. MMMmmmmmmm. Oh, and did I mention I was skinny? That too. After I came to my caloric senses, I realized that lunch was over and there was still an hour left of the field trip. How many ways can I find to kill time? The touch tank! It's interactive, exciting, and hands-on! Surely this will entertain my group of Bart Simpson-esque comrades. And entertain it did. It was especially entertaining when we got asked (and when I say "asked" I really mean told/ordered) to leave the vacinity as a result of our inability to follow the 'two-finger' touch rule. Real shocker there. Telling 10 year old boys, they can reach their arms in the tide pool tank, but please--use gentle caution and delicately place only two fingers on the critters, would by like taking Kirspy Kreme doughnuts to a Weight Watchers meeting and then telling the dieters to take one whiff, because consumption is out of the question. So, after our lovely reprimand from senior citizen Mr. Bo, we enacted a hands-at-your-side policy to try and boost our behavior points. Didn't work. Judging by the dirty looks from surrounding private school kids in uniform, I could tell we were out of our league. These boys didn't need an aquarium. They needed a zoo. Maybe there, their behavior would be more socially acceptable. Who knows, maybe by comparison, the Monkey's flinging poo would have up'd our status? Tough call, hard to say. Thankfully, the field trip was over by 1 and we survived the bus ride home, but certainly not without a round of everyone's favorite "I don't want to sit by him" game. Ugh. Moral of the story: I need Dorritos, tazers must be legalized, and responsibility sucks.