When in doubt...dip it in ranch.

Day 1 in Syracuse can officially be classified...as OVER. Not to sound hostile here, but I'm a little miffed that THIS is what I am taking VACATION days from work for. Um, this isn't club med. True, I've flown out of state, put the US postal service on notice to hold my mail ( December's "Vogue" and "Self" BETTER be waiting for me upon return or heads will roll), and even packed a suitcase...but this sure as shit does NOT qualify as vacation. Aside from having my life micromanaged by my overly-efficient father for the next 5 days, I am also subjected to the loving and constant call of duty to change my grandmother's adult underpants (read: diapers). Cosmo's and Martini's? Not quite. No, instead of skanking around in my bikini on a beach where "Jose" blows a whistle while simultaneously shovels tequila down my throat, I got the distinct pleasure of applying deoderant to one very unflexible senior citizen. Who would have guessed the whole "getting dressed" part of the day becomes such an event when you get old? This probably makes sense when you take into consideration the fact that your TEETH aren't necessarily in your mouth upon sunrise. Ah, I digress. Anyways, these mandated "vacation" days mean no work, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, until I remember it also means no money. Shit. And THAT is a bad thing. So let me get this straight: I will have to seriously downsize spending this month in order to compensate for time spent changing diapers and applying Tussy. (Not sure what "Tussy" is?...google it and check your gag reflexes). I'm getting screwed. On the upside, it DOES mean free dining out. And believe me, I make sure to get even. Filet mignon, shrimp appetizers, and double vodka soda's please! If this is the biggest perk I can milk "family time" for, then my dad can foot the bill. Ugh, I'm totally out of creative mojo. I'm going to go to bed and pat myself on the back for behaving entirely within the limits of the law, while on "vacation". I guess there's a first for everything.